23 September 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
i still miss her...it has almost been 8 months since she left... but i still remember the last few moments i spent with her vividly... it hurts.... i miss her so much...
reading the various notes i wrote down while i was with her always bring me to tears... i remember the times i spent with her when i was younger, the times when i stayed with her in the hospital, the times where i had to pretend everything was alright, the times when i had to deceive her... the times when i broke down, the times she left...
i thought i was over it, but i was wrong... i haven't cried for a while, mainly because i was trying to focus on my studies, then on my work and then ndp... i guess i didn't really have the time to think... so i "survived"... but earlier this week, during my intercultural communications aka ICC class, one of my classmated decided to do his oral journal written report based on death... it then dawned upon me that she was no longer around.... it was as if my life rewinded right in front of me and played over again...
he asked something along the line of how are funnerals like overseas - as in is it a sad or happy occasion for them... i really wanted to voice my experience but held back as i started to tear...
the thing abut funnerals is that, during the wake, you still have the person's body with you, so you do not really see it that he or she has left... they look as though they are sleeping peacefully... it is only when we left for mandai that i wailed like a baby... because there is nothing left for us to hold on to... we cannot see her anymore other than her pictures, other than in our memories... it was then that i really couldn't take it... she was really leaving us for good...
i did think about writing down all of my thoughts and make it into a book to remember her... so that in future, i can read through the various entries and remind myself of my beloved grandma, about how i felt, about how much i loved her... i think i will do so...
i was talking to jeremiah as i was waiting for my bus... and suddenly we started talking about losing our loved ones.... it was the first time that i talked about this matter... i have always wanted to talk to someone about it; on how fast she left, how she "drfited away" from us... to let it all out... it was very hard.... my eyes started to fill with tears... so i just ended it quickly... to refrain myself from crying in public... then he reminded me that everyone has a time to leave this place, so we have to be strong and move on... thanks jeremiah the little reminder...
so, i will be strong... it doesn't mean that i will forget about... it will just mean that she will still be a part of me even though she is no longer physically around...
i love you mama.... *hugs*
~*candice*~
