to both my mum and mama...
today is 1 of those days where we are to express our love to our mums, our grandmas.... i personally feel that we can show that we love them everyday... by just giving them a hug, giving them a kiss on their cheeks, by buying the food they love for them... we don't have to buy all sorts of expensive stuff, mums being mums, they will keep saying, "why spend so much??" or like what mama will say,"mai kai lui..." which means why waste money...
today, i miss her a lot, i haven't cried so much in a while, once again as i watched the video made by uncle ning to remember mama, i suddenly remembered that she wasn't physically with us anymore... i just couldn't hold my tears in.... i remembered the times i spent with her... going to my uncle's house to visit her, sit with her in her room as she watches her favourite dramas... laugh, when she comments on how she hates the "evil" sickening woman who would do anything to stick onto the lead actor she likes.... but i can't do all these with her anymore....
as i saw the video, i just can't help but think, why didn't i come into this world earlier... that way, she might be able to see me graduate, i might be able to take my graduation photo with her... i would dedicate my degree to her... for all the hard work she put in bringing my mum up, as well as bringing me up when i was younger.... i couldn' help but think, if i were bigger, if i were working, maybe i could have brought her overseas, buy her loads of gifts so that she can pamper herself and enjoy a good life... but there is nothing i can do...
usually she will be the one giving, so i am grateful in a way that i did manage to buy her somethings when she was still around....
when i first went overseas to australia without my family during the choir trip, i bought her a pack of ginger sweets... it might be something small and inexpensive, but she liked it....
when i got my first paycheck from my attachment at SATS, i bought her packets of biscuits or what we usually call "piah" - something that mama just loves, she said to me "mai kai lui" again... but she was full of smiles....
mama is really the person i adore, admire, respect, love all at once... in order to communicate with her grandchildren, she started speaking to us in chinese, sometimes even in english.... and yet i did not learn how to speak hokkien... she gives and gives, without thinking about asking for anything in return... and yet she had to go so fast, so sudden...
it was through this very unfortunate event that i realised how little i knew about my mama... when she was in hospital, i noticed that she had a mark on her forehead, something that i did not realise throughout the years, i didn't know the kinds of flowers she liked till the funneral as my uncle told me that she loved bright coloured flowers...
regrets
regrets
regrets....
so many regrets...
no more chances to make amends...
so to all out there, treasure all your loved ones... treat them with love and respect, don't do things or do not not do things when you still can... don't follow my footsteps....
to mama:
i am grateful for all the love you have showered upon me over the years, cooking my favourite kailan with prawns, giving me durian that you know i love, thank you very much, you will always be a part of me no matter what... you have made me a stronger person...
to mummy:
i know it has been very hard on you ever since we found out about her condition... but i am glad that you managed to hang on... she may not be with us physically anymore, but i am sure she is always with us... watcing over us.... so there is no need for us to be so sad all the time.... you know that she loves you and she definitely knows that you love her...
life has to move on... it was hard initially, as i had no mood to study... i would practically start crying once i reach home every night.... thinking why is life was so unfair to me... so i had to catch up with my schoolwork after it... i struggled but i still managed to get by... i still managed to increase my gpa... it might still be much lower than i had initially planned earlier this year... but it is getting there... i will do my best as i am going to dedicate my degree to my 1 and only mama....
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