31 January 2007
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
these were our messages to her...uncle ning managed to make a video on mama, about her, about her children, about her grandchildren, about how everyone loved her...
the video included pictures of her when she was younger, with her children and us, grnadchildren over the years...
it also included our (her grandchildrens') messages to her...
this was what we said to her...
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
26 January 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
she left...mama byebye...
i love you...
Friday, January 26, 2007
all hope is lost...
25 January 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
this was actually yesterday's entry....To my dear friends:
Thank you very much for all of your care and concern for me these few days... thank you for asking me, "how are you?", "are you ok?" when you guys see me...
Thank you for telling me that I can call you whenever I need a listening ear or when I need a shoulder to cry my heart out... Thank you for telling me that it is alright to cry because all of you are around... Thank you for telling me to "jia you", to be strong... Thank you...
Thanks for leaving sweet messages on my tag board or sending me smses to take care of myself, that you will pray for my grandmother’s recovery, that you will be a phone call away... Thank you for asking me how is everything at home and at school...
Thank you karin for the care and concern you have given to me through our conversations on msn as well as through the smses we send to one another... Thanks for making me feel better when I was first "hit" with the sudden news...
Thank you cindy, for leaving a short message on my tagboard to tell me that you understand what I am going through... thank you for talking to me about how I need to be strong in order to fight this battle with her... thank you for being with me this afternoon...
Thank you jieting, thank you for leaving me a message on my tagboard, thank you for telling me to take care of myself and that I can call you anytime if I need to talk to someone... thank you girl... *hugs*
Thank you pui sze, thank you for sending me an sms to tell me to take care of myself and leaving a message on my tagboard... i know i can count of you in times of need...
Thank you cherie for the sweet note you passed to me today after class... I was really touched when I read it on my way to the hospital... even my mum was touched by your sweet gesture... thank you girl... I think I might need help with calculus... haha... (",)
Thank you friska for your enquiry about how i was doing on monday... thank you...
Thank you junyi for leaving the longest message on my tagboard... 2 somemore... Thanks for willing to lend me your ears whenever I need them even though we have sort of lost contact over the years... Thank you...
Thank you to the guys from my primary school whom I pang seh-ed on Saturday... thanks for your understanding and for your prayer for my grandmother to get well... I really appreciate it... thanks...
Thank you to all of you who continue to offer me help in any possible way...
I know that I have been moody these days in school and have not been contributing much to the projects at hand... I am trying my best to juggle between my studies, visiting and taking care of my grandmother at the hospital as well as taking care of myself...
I will be strong as my grandmother is still fighting on to survive... now she knows about her health, so we have to tell her that all hope is not lost and that she must fight to survive so that she will not give up...
I am currently taking a break from my duty when I am writing this passage on word... later I would have to stay next to my grandmother, to hold her hand to tell her that I will be with her the entire night till tomorrow morning... to let her feel safe so that she can sleep the whole night through...
The main thing I have to look out for whist I am on duty now is to make sure that she is breathing... according to my cousin-in-law Kelvin who is a doctor, he said that there is very little lung tissue that is unaffected by the cancerous cells, so there is a very high chance that she might just stop breathing anytime... My mum and my cousin actually experienced a time whereby my grandmother stopped breathing for a few seconds... both of them freaked out and was very scared that that would be it, that she would actually leave us... but luckily, she started breathing all over again after my mum called her to wake her...
It has been 3 weeks since she was admitted into SGH and how much more fragile has my grandmother become... she is practically just skin and bone... her eyes are sunken in already, you can actually see the contour of her skull, her bone structure, the pulse on her neck, the excess skin that hangs from her arms, face and legs...
It really hurts me to see how much medication she has to take everyday orally as well as through injections and drips... Every single day, she will have at least 1 plug set into either of her hand... And it is a 3 way plug... This plug is also separate from her morphine one... She has to take so many types of antibiotics everyday, she is on drip everyday because of her very poor appetite... on certain days, she also has to do a blood transfusion because of the amount of blood she coughs out...
I really do hope that the new drug she is taking at the moment will work wonders on her... to extend her life a little longer... if not possible, at least reduce the amount of pain she is going through... Even though she is in pain, she has NEVER, NEVER ONCE SHED A SINGLE TEAR ever since she found out that she has cancer... she always says "she si zhu dia, wa bueh kia, ni nang mai kao" she is so strong... holding on till the end... I must be strong for her as well...
16 January 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
how am i to continue my life without her...
she is the best mother, the best mother-in-law, the best grandmother one can ever have in the whole world, one who is always ever willing to leave the best things in life to the ones she loved the most, the ones she adored, the ones under her constant love and care... but whenever she is in pain, she would rather suffer all alone without telling a singe soul about the intense pain she is going through for fear that we might be worried for her...
it really pains all of us, all of us who grew up under her care, to see her suffer and get more and more frail and vulnerable as everyday passes by... but we cannot tell her, we can't bear to, how are we supposed to tell her that she has less than 3 months with us? the mere thought of that makes even the strongest man in the family tear, much less me, a girl merely 20 years in age... how are we supposed to tell her? how would she react to the dreadful news that her time has come? will she still hold on and fight for her life for as long as possible even though she knows that she will ultimately leave us all?? or will she just give up on herself and leave to be together with the love of her life in the afterworld?
why must HE take her away from me, from my family, from all of us, the most cruel, the most painful, the most sudden way? what wrong has she done to deserve such punishment? she has lived a most "clean" life, staying away from smoking, drinking and using all her time to pamper everyone she loves... all these years, without fail, she would cook lunch for all her children and grandchildren who come to visit her on sundays... she would make use of the time to see how her grandchild has grown, how her child has been doing, how has life been for them... on normal days, she would just indulge in her favourite activities, cooking for her family, cleaning the house, watching her favourite korean dramas... all simple activities that would do little harm to her health... but now, she has been diagnosed with cancer, 99% of the cells in her lungs have turned cancerous.... this piece of news has come too sudden, practically no symptoms, no family history, no one ever thought that such an end would come to her, that she would have to leave us all this way...
after finding out about the time left i have to spend with her, i feel really hurt and regretful.... i regret not spending more time with her whenever i had the opportunity, i regret forgoing visiting her just because i was tired from my work the previous day, i regret not learning hokkien so that i can speak to her in hokkien, i regret not helping her move around the house for fear that i would injure her, i regret not talking to her more whenever i visited her, i regret not eating the food that she offered me, there is so much things i regret.... but i can't turn back the clock, if i had the ability to control time, i want to go back in time to relive the wonderful moments i had with her and to do whatever i havn't done.... but who can??
i am trying to stay strong for her, for my mum, but it is very hard.... she is the only grandparent i have seen and lived with all my life, i have yet to have the experience of losing a loved one... why must she be the first i have to send off, she is the one i respect and love the most, and yet i have to lose her first... i don't want to... i just cannot accept the fact that she is going to leave us so soon, she will not be able to live pass her next birthday, maybe not even pass the new year... the photo i took with her last year might be the last photo i might ever take with her... the mere thought of it hurts... i would not be able to celebrate her birthday with her, i would not be able to hear her call me "candy", i would not be able to see her smile or to hear her voice once she leaves us... i don't want that to happen.... not now, not ever....
it is hard for all of us to pretend that she will get better in front of her... she is very sensitive, any saddness within us would be picked up by her very fast... so all of us have to pretend to be cheerful, talking to her, spending time with her.... it is very tough to ask her "how is she?" "is she feeling better today?" when we visit her, we see her force a smile to tell us that she is ok, but deep inside our hearts, we know that she is suffering and that she would never get well... sometimes i can do it, i can hold it in, but everytime i see her tear, everytime i see her phlem is full of blood, everytime i see her rub her back of her neck, i cannot take it, i just want to cry and hug her and tell her how much i love her... but i can't.... i have to hold it in.... everytime i see my mum cry, everytime i see my cousin cry, everytime i leave her ward, i would just cry..... she has been a huge part of all our lives ever since we came to this world, but she is going to leave us so suddenly...
i just want to spend all the time i have with her, i dread hearing my mum's phone ring, i dread receiving messages on how her condition has deteriorated, for i fear that there and then, i would never see her again... i also fear a certain phenomenon.... i fear that she would suddenly become very fit one day and just leave us the next day...i cannot concentrate in class, my mind would just wonder, thinking how is she doing, is she feeling slightly better.... i want to take leave from school....
another thing i feel that is hard to do is to hear my parents talk about her funeral arrangements, i can't bear to think about life without her, it really hurts me very badly.... my mum also cannot take it, she would always cry whenever we make our way home, and i would cry along with her too... it really hurts to think about what is about to come, but we cannot escape reality...
my only wish now would be that she would be able to hold on till after the new year, so that we can have one final reunion dinner with her... i also hope that she would not have to suffer so much when she leaves, i hope that when the time comes, she would be able to leave peacefully...
to the best grandma i ever had and loved....
she is the best mother, the best mother-in-law, the best grandmother one can ever have in the whole world, one who is always ever willing to leave the best things in life to the ones she loved the most, the ones she adored, the ones under her constant love and care... but whenever she is in pain, she would rather suffer all alone without telling a singe soul about the intense pain she is going through for fear that we might be worried for her...
it really pains all of us, all of us who grew up under her care, to see her suffer and get more and more frail and vulnerable as everyday passes by... but we cannot tell her, we can't bear to, how are we supposed to tell her that she has less than 3 months with us? the mere thought of that makes even the strongest man in the family tear, much less me, a girl merely 20 years in age... how are we supposed to tell her? how would she react to the dreadful news that her time has come? will she still hold on and fight for her life for as long as possible even though she knows that she will ultimately leave us all?? or will she just give up on herself and leave to be together with the love of her life in the afterworld?
why must HE take her away from me, from my family, from all of us, the most cruel, the most painful, the most sudden way? what wrong has she done to deserve such punishment? she has lived a most "clean" life, staying away from smoking, drinking and using all her time to pamper everyone she loves... all these years, without fail, she would cook lunch for all her children and grandchildren who come to visit her on sundays... she would make use of the time to see how her grandchild has grown, how her child has been doing, how has life been for them... on normal days, she would just indulge in her favourite activities, cooking for her family, cleaning the house, watching her favourite korean dramas... all simple activities that would do little harm to her health... but now, she has been diagnosed with cancer, 99% of the cells in her lungs have turned cancerous.... this piece of news has come too sudden, practically no symptoms, no family history, no one ever thought that such an end would come to her, that she would have to leave us all this way...
after finding out about the time left i have to spend with her, i feel really hurt and regretful.... i regret not spending more time with her whenever i had the opportunity, i regret forgoing visiting her just because i was tired from my work the previous day, i regret not learning hokkien so that i can speak to her in hokkien, i regret not helping her move around the house for fear that i would injure her, i regret not talking to her more whenever i visited her, i regret not eating the food that she offered me, there is so much things i regret.... but i can't turn back the clock, if i had the ability to control time, i want to go back in time to relive the wonderful moments i had with her and to do whatever i havn't done.... but who can??
i am trying to stay strong for her, for my mum, but it is very hard.... she is the only grandparent i have seen and lived with all my life, i have yet to have the experience of losing a loved one... why must she be the first i have to send off, she is the one i respect and love the most, and yet i have to lose her first... i don't want to... i just cannot accept the fact that she is going to leave us so soon, she will not be able to live pass her next birthday, maybe not even pass the new year... the photo i took with her last year might be the last photo i might ever take with her... the mere thought of it hurts... i would not be able to celebrate her birthday with her, i would not be able to hear her call me "candy", i would not be able to see her smile or to hear her voice once she leaves us... i don't want that to happen.... not now, not ever....
it is hard for all of us to pretend that she will get better in front of her... she is very sensitive, any saddness within us would be picked up by her very fast... so all of us have to pretend to be cheerful, talking to her, spending time with her.... it is very tough to ask her "how is she?" "is she feeling better today?" when we visit her, we see her force a smile to tell us that she is ok, but deep inside our hearts, we know that she is suffering and that she would never get well... sometimes i can do it, i can hold it in, but everytime i see her tear, everytime i see her phlem is full of blood, everytime i see her rub her back of her neck, i cannot take it, i just want to cry and hug her and tell her how much i love her... but i can't.... i have to hold it in.... everytime i see my mum cry, everytime i see my cousin cry, everytime i leave her ward, i would just cry..... she has been a huge part of all our lives ever since we came to this world, but she is going to leave us so suddenly...
i just want to spend all the time i have with her, i dread hearing my mum's phone ring, i dread receiving messages on how her condition has deteriorated, for i fear that there and then, i would never see her again... i also fear a certain phenomenon.... i fear that she would suddenly become very fit one day and just leave us the next day...i cannot concentrate in class, my mind would just wonder, thinking how is she doing, is she feeling slightly better.... i want to take leave from school....
another thing i feel that is hard to do is to hear my parents talk about her funeral arrangements, i can't bear to think about life without her, it really hurts me very badly.... my mum also cannot take it, she would always cry whenever we make our way home, and i would cry along with her too... it really hurts to think about what is about to come, but we cannot escape reality...
my only wish now would be that she would be able to hold on till after the new year, so that we can have one final reunion dinner with her... i also hope that she would not have to suffer so much when she leaves, i hope that when the time comes, she would be able to leave peacefully...
to the best grandma i ever had and loved....
mama, i will always love you and miss you...
to my friends if you are reading this: please bear with me if i am unable to spend time with all of you when i am unable to meet up with you guys, i want to spend whatever time i have left with my grandma with her... please pardon me if i am not myself, please pardon me if i start to tear in front of you, please pardon me for not being a good team member, please pardon me...
05 January 2007
Friday, January 05, 2007
it's friday!!! (",)feeling quite happy today.... coz it's FRIDAY!!!! wahahaha..... had another short class today....
my 2nd class of 2007, technology and world change aka twc.... i am so blessed to have fraemone in my class.... she is the only 1 i know in the class.... all the other people i never see before one.... maybe got 1 or 2 i find them familiar but still dunno their names or anything about them.....
we had quite a hard time looking for someone else to join our group..... coz each group is only allowed 3 members.... she also did not really know the people in the class.... so we had to find someone who did not have a group at the moment.... luckily we did managed to find someone..... alvin.... thank goodness we "found" him.... otherwise we would have to take a much longer time to find another member....
1 thing i find interesting about twc is the textbook that we are expected to buy..... it is not like the usual textbooks we buy, it is like a storybook like that.... it is entitled Guns, Germs and Steel: A short history of everybody for the last 13,000 years by Jared Diamond.... i find the book quite interesting.... especially Yali's question to Jared Diamond....
"Why is it that you white people developed so much cargo and brought it over to New Guinea, but we black people had little cargo of our own"
it is like no one has ever questioned why the whites are always the superior power, the high and mighty ones, the ones who are deemed to be smarter than the rest, the ones who so called have "the right to rule", "the right to control others" etc... some people argue that it is because of genes and stuff... but is it really true?? i am quite skeptical about this so called argument of theirs..... well, enough of this cheem stuff..... i still have to read 4 chapters of the book before lesson next week.... a whopping 90 over pages to read and digest......
aiya.... i really miss my R85 pals..... so long never see them le.... over a month already.... even though school started, i have yet to meet anyone of them other than ck for like what, 5 seconds, to pass him my AS and BGS text.... haven't seen cindy for a while.... wonder how is she coping now..... also haven't been able to see cherie, friska, daniel and andrew at all..... so used to seeing them almost everyday last sem with all the projects, but now, don't even have a chance to catch a glimpse of them....
tml will be a very very long day for me..... i got calculus make up lesson from 8.30 to 11.45, then work from 12 to 3.30, after that i have to go to jieting's 21st birthday party.... i confirm knock out tomorrow one lor..... thank goodness my sunday is free, no longer my "biz law day" wahahaha..... can sleep longer before i decide what to do.....
04 January 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
my first day of school...haha.... sounds as if i primary school kid like that.... haha.... even after setting all the alarms on my phone and clock, i still woke up late..... look at what the late nights the past month did to me.... luckily i was still able to catch the later bus to school.... managed to reach school just in time..... but as usual, still blur blur, so went into the wrong classroom.... went into nsr 2.3 instead of sr2.3... luckily the class haven't started when i realised the mistake with the help of my prof who also went to the wrong class..... hehe... i am not the only one who made the mistake.....
i was supposed to have a 3 hours class today till 11.45, but my prof didn't intend to teach anything today, so he just went through what was expected of us.... the usual housekeeping stuff.... then let us off at 9.30.... i went to school today for just 1 hour of so called lesson..... luckily i didn't take taxi to school.... if not i sure cry one lor..... haha...
03 January 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
first day of school tml....yeap yeap yeap.... the title says it all.... school starts all over again.... with comms at 8.30 AM.... but i am lucky this is not the long day like on mondays when i have calculus at 8.30 am and ltb at 3.30 pm... at least i would have time later in the day to do whatever i want.... somehow, it feels like it would be like thurs last sem when i had stats b in the morning.....
wonder what to expect for class tml?? i also dunno anyone who has the same class as me... praying that i would be able to see a few familiar faces so that i would not feel so bored and lonely.... *starts praying*
well, so far, the R85 weekly lunch meetings are still not confirmed yet.... hopefully it will not be on wednesdays and fridays..... coz it is my free days on wednesdays, dun wanna come to school jus to eat with the gang for a while then go off..... also have class on fridays from 12 onwards..... if really sway sway ganna 1 of those days, then i will like kinda drift apart from the group.... and i dun want that to happen.......
oh ya.... i also need to get jieting's b'dae present soon.... her 21st b'dae is actually on sunday, but she having her party this saturday, on the 6th.... now that her 21st b'dae is so near, it really is time for a reality check..... this year, the choir gang will all be 21.... first jieting, then me, then pui sze, then april, then holly (hopefully she will be back by then) then finally claressa..... wa lao..... getting old le..... 21 leh.... supposedly adults according to the law...... cannot be so childish le..... aiya, dun think about it now la.... i still got 3 more months to be a little kid..... wahahahahaha...... then after that won't have much reason to play le...... so must enjoy (",)
need to prepare for classes le.... cya ard..... (",)
02 January 2007
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
happy new year guys....
yeah.... an entire year has passed again.... and has it been a great one?? i believe so.....
well, in 2006, i had a great class in tp.... my final class in tp.... with a cute looking careperson.... haha... mr dom fung.... haha... a little snapshot of my final class....
yeah.... an entire year has passed again.... and has it been a great one?? i believe so.....
well, in 2006, i had a great class in tp.... my final class in tp.... with a cute looking careperson.... haha... mr dom fung.... haha... a little snapshot of my final class....
my final class in tp.... 3T02
i also finally graduated from tp and obtained the piece of paper that i spent the last 3 years mugging and slogging for.... my diploma in tourism management.... in a way i was happy that it was over, but since the studying was over, it meant that there were lesser chances where i could meet the great pals i had in tp.... people like karin, ryna, yuling, winnie, jessica, sabrina, huiting, kailing, jasmine, tammy, weeleng, huiping, isabel, tricia, charlene, jerlyn, geraldine, aaron, mahathir, ashraf, zhifan, nelson etc... and it was because our course has a small intake, that we could be so close....
the final batch of tourism management students....
after ending a phase of my education life, i thought it would be the END of studying for at least a few years while i earned some money for my uni education and gained some experience... but i was wrong, after the application into NUS and NTU was closed to poly students, my parents encouraged me to continue my education, that meant that either i try for SMU or wait another year before i try to get into NUS and NTU.... i then decided to try for SMU... and i got in!! haha.... and that spelt the beginning of my uni life in SMU....
life in SMU has both been fun and challenging at the same time, i have met people who are fun to be around and fun to work with..... i must say that i was lucky to be allocated into a very fun-loving group for my orientation group.... we can just self entertain ourself and have go crazy with all the stuff we talk about and do all the time.... life in SMU would be much more dull and boring without my R85 peps.... shun wei, ck, andy, zhou zhe, justin, andrew, zhi hao, say wai, wan ying, dorothy, johana, yijia, karene, cindy and felix.... thanks guys for making life in SMU fun for me.... we must set the day for our weekly lunch k.....
R85
u know what, after searching my pics to get a pic to pst of R85, i realised that there isn't one single photo where ALL of us was present, there will always be one person absent on that particular day the picture was taken.... so this is the best one so far, only felix wasn't there.... the other pictures has more and more people being absent..... hey guys, we must take at least 1 nice picture where all of us are present ya.... let's work towards that....
another group of people i have grown relatively close to are the peps in my bgs class.... people within my own group, friska, cherie, daniel and andrew.... thanks for making bgs a fun subject to learn through mcdonald's as well as the glamorous modelling industry... haha.... we must meet up soon ya...
our cutest photo.... haha....
have also gotten to know the other people from the class, people who went to the bgs chalet last year.... (i almost said earlier this month..... haha...) peps like seek fong, clara, hongda, zhi wei, eugene, clara, zul, chun wee, kat, yukina etc.... they are really a fun group to be with.... esp when there is alcohol around.... haha.....
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i also decided that since it was a new year, i decided that i would give my blog a little "face lift"... haha.... make it a little more artsy and matured feel to it.... after all, my 21st bdae is in a few months time.... *hint hint* haha.... hopefully i can organise a nice bdae party where i can invite my ngee ann primary pals, chung cheng pals, tpjc pals, tp pals and smu pals to have lotsa fun..... *starts praying*
well, here goes my first post of the new year.... i will try to post more entries more often this year k..... if i dun, keep bugging me till i do.... haha..... (",)