25 February 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
is it wrong to be nice???ya, that's my question... is it wrong for me to be nice?? why is it that some people get the wrong idea and like "develop" feelings for me even though i treat other people the same way?? are they like so deprived and desperate for love?? the thought of it gives me creeps....
at least 1 of them don't have my contact details and cannot bug me... but one does.... and it is getting very irritating.... keep on calling to ask something and cannot make enquires all at one time.... keep on calling at wierd wierd timing, don't ask whether free a not and start talking like a bullet train.... it can really spoil my day.... at first i didn't really think much of it, but after a while, the smses i receive get a little wierd.... i really hope that this hunch of mine is wrong, then all would be well... freaky man.... i dun feel like answering his calls at all, keep cancelling it and silencing my phone so as not to hear his voice.... call me bad or evil or insensitive, but i just do not want to pick up the calls...
what should i do?? i was so freaked out by the latest sms i got from him that i was so tempted to send him an email to tell him to stop it, but i am afraid that it would like destroy the friendship we have (now is really not the time to do so as he is in 1 of my project group), and then, how to tell him?? i was so tempted to pretend that i have a bf so that he would find another target... any volunteers to be my fake bf?? hahaha...
_______________________________ freaky ____________________________
the term break is over and i practically spent the entire time rotting away... practically just keep eating, sleeping, watching tv, surfing the net... when i was supposed to be catching up on my work... but lost time cannot be regained... i would just have to work harder and catch up...
the new year has been very different, no one at my mother's side had the mood to bai nian at all, we just merely got together on chu er at my dua gu's house for lunch where we just said happy new year to one another... giving hugs to one another to console each other after praying to mama... it was so quiet, so strange, so distant... as i sat on the steps of the stairs, i remember mama woud be seated at 1 of the chairs in front of me, talking to my mum, my aunts, laughing, eating, gossiping about things, but now, they will all be memories that i will have of her...
just now, i read something i wrote while i was with her, watching over her in hospital... i cried again as i felt her pain and suffering, i cried as i remembered my last times i had with her.... the last time i remember most vividly with her while she was in hosipital was on the day that she found out about her illness.... i was seated next to her, holding on to her hand, massaging her hand that was bruised by all the needles.... then, she looked at me, she looked into my eyes, i felt like crying then, but all i could do was to smile sweetly at her, to give her the assurance that all will be well, so that she would fight on... but i had to let go of her soon, one of my uncles came... so i let her hands go... that was the last time she saw my face...
on the thursday of the week she passed on, after lunch with karin, i went to visit her again.... but she couldn't see me anymore, she couldn't see anyone... she could only hear us talk to her.... it was then that i cried right in front of her... by then, i knew all was lost, her condition was deterioting very quickly.... so whenever i could, i would hold her hand, rub it, massage it, rub her legs, put her favourite lotion on them and gave them a nice massage.... that was the only thing that i could do for her.... and that was the last thing i did for her...
almost an entire month has gone by, but everything is still vivid in my head... i will never forget how all of us lost her, i will never forget how all of us loved her....
~*candice*~
