how am i to continue my life without her...

she is the best mother, the best mother-in-law, the best grandmother one can ever have in the whole world, one who is always ever willing to leave the best things in life to the ones she loved the most, the ones she adored, the ones under her constant love and care... but whenever she is in pain, she would rather suffer all alone without telling a singe soul about the intense pain she is going through for fear that we might be worried for her...

it really pains all of us, all of us who grew up under her care, to see her suffer and get more and more frail and vulnerable as everyday passes by... but we cannot tell her, we can't bear to, how are we supposed to tell her that she has less than 3 months with us? the mere thought of that makes even the strongest man in the family tear, much less me, a girl merely 20 years in age... how are we supposed to tell her? how would she react to the dreadful news that her time has come? will she still hold on and fight for her life for as long as possible even though she knows that she will ultimately leave us all?? or will she just give up on herself and leave to be together with the love of her life in the afterworld?

why must HE take her away from me, from my family, from all of us, the most cruel, the most painful, the most sudden way? what wrong has she done to deserve such punishment? she has lived a most "clean" life, staying away from smoking, drinking and using all her time to pamper everyone she loves... all these years, without fail, she would cook lunch for all her children and grandchildren who come to visit her on sundays... she would make use of the time to see how her grandchild has grown, how her child has been doing, how has life been for them... on normal days, she would just indulge in her favourite activities, cooking for her family, cleaning the house, watching her favourite korean dramas... all simple activities that would do little harm to her health... but now, she has been diagnosed with cancer, 99% of the cells in her lungs have turned cancerous.... this piece of news has come too sudden, practically no symptoms, no family history, no one ever thought that such an end would come to her, that she would have to leave us all this way...

after finding out about the time left i have to spend with her, i feel really hurt and regretful.... i regret not spending more time with her whenever i had the opportunity, i regret forgoing visiting her just because i was tired from my work the previous day, i regret not learning hokkien so that i can speak to her in hokkien, i regret not helping her move around the house for fear that i would injure her, i regret not talking to her more whenever i visited her, i regret not eating the food that she offered me, there is so much things i regret.... but i can't turn back the clock, if i had the ability to control time, i want to go back in time to relive the wonderful moments i had with her and to do whatever i havn't done.... but who can??

i am trying to stay strong for her, for my mum, but it is very hard.... she is the only grandparent i have seen and lived with all my life, i have yet to have the experience of losing a loved one... why must she be the first i have to send off, she is the one i respect and love the most, and yet i have to lose her first... i don't want to... i just cannot accept the fact that she is going to leave us so soon, she will not be able to live pass her next birthday, maybe not even pass the new year... the photo i took with her last year might be the last photo i might ever take with her... the mere thought of it hurts... i would not be able to celebrate her birthday with her, i would not be able to hear her call me "candy", i would not be able to see her smile or to hear her voice once she leaves us... i don't want that to happen.... not now, not ever....

it is hard for all of us to pretend that she will get better in front of her... she is very sensitive, any saddness within us would be picked up by her very fast... so all of us have to pretend to be cheerful, talking to her, spending time with her.... it is very tough to ask her "how is she?" "is she feeling better today?" when we visit her, we see her force a smile to tell us that she is ok, but deep inside our hearts, we know that she is suffering and that she would never get well... sometimes i can do it, i can hold it in, but everytime i see her tear, everytime i see her phlem is full of blood, everytime i see her rub her back of her neck, i cannot take it, i just want to cry and hug her and tell her how much i love her... but i can't.... i have to hold it in.... everytime i see my mum cry, everytime i see my cousin cry, everytime i leave her ward, i would just cry..... she has been a huge part of all our lives ever since we came to this world, but she is going to leave us so suddenly...

i just want to spend all the time i have with her, i dread hearing my mum's phone ring, i dread receiving messages on how her condition has deteriorated, for i fear that there and then, i would never see her again... i also fear a certain phenomenon.... i fear that she would suddenly become very fit one day and just leave us the next day...i cannot concentrate in class, my mind would just wonder, thinking how is she doing, is she feeling slightly better.... i want to take leave from school....

another thing i feel that is hard to do is to hear my parents talk about her funeral arrangements, i can't bear to think about life without her, it really hurts me very badly.... my mum also cannot take it, she would always cry whenever we make our way home, and i would cry along with her too... it really hurts to think about what is about to come, but we cannot escape reality...

my only wish now would be that she would be able to hold on till after the new year, so that we can have one final reunion dinner with her... i also hope that she would not have to suffer so much when she leaves, i hope that when the time comes, she would be able to leave peacefully...

to the best grandma i ever had and loved....