it is now time for me to start updating once again...
do drop by my other blog ok... http://andsocandicesays.blogspot.com
i will still be using this blog now and then... this one has been with me for ages... i have a lot of memories with this one...
my new blog was actually supposed to be a food blog... but i have decided to include anything that i hold dear to me... who knows, you might be mentioned in it... hehe
cheers...
i just don't know why... but i just really didn't have the mood to study this semester... i couldn't focus... i have so many other things on my mind... resulting in me missing (and skipping) a lot of classes... and when you don't go for classes in SMU, what happens?? you understand nothing... so that results in the sucky results i got this semester...
i just received a very nice and comforting email from one of my primary school pals...
here are parts of her email that really touched me...
feeling sick now... having sore throat, feeling very tired and might be having fever... and i think it is because of the chocolate fondue i had with my family last night and the rain that got me drenched in the morning....
my parents bought a chocolate fondue fountain at a steal from cash converter and we decided to try it out.... it was quite fun... waiting for the chocolate buttons to melt, waiting for the melted chocolate to be "pumped" up to the top and then enjoying ourselves with all the fruits.... it is such a sin to indulge in it.... and i got my just deserts.... came down with a bad sore throat.... but that won't deter me from indulging in it once in a while... whahaha.... who can resist chocolate???? i know i can't...
i got drenched on my way to the bus stop today.... it was pouring.... my jeans were like soaking wet and it only dried after my ma class... was practically shaking the entire time... the boring topic today didn't help either... almost fell asleep.... so pia seh lor... somemore next week having mid term test already leh... then fall asleep in class.... oh man... it is time to buck up and mug.... time for the mugger side of candice to come forth...
got a lot of stuff to do... so that's all for today... cheers (",)
it has almost been 8 months since she left... but i still remember the last few moments i spent with her vividly... it hurts.... i miss her so much...
reading the various notes i wrote down while i was with her always bring me to tears... i remember the times i spent with her when i was younger, the times when i stayed with her in the hospital, the times where i had to pretend everything was alright, the times when i had to deceive her... the times when i broke down, the times she left...
i thought i was over it, but i was wrong... i haven't cried for a while, mainly because i was trying to focus on my studies, then on my work and then ndp... i guess i didn't really have the time to think... so i "survived"... but earlier this week, during my intercultural communications aka ICC class, one of my classmated decided to do his oral journal written report based on death... it then dawned upon me that she was no longer around.... it was as if my life rewinded right in front of me and played over again...
he asked something along the line of how are funnerals like overseas - as in is it a sad or happy occasion for them... i really wanted to voice my experience but held back as i started to tear...
the thing abut funnerals is that, during the wake, you still have the person's body with you, so you do not really see it that he or she has left... they look as though they are sleeping peacefully... it is only when we left for mandai that i wailed like a baby... because there is nothing left for us to hold on to... we cannot see her anymore other than her pictures, other than in our memories... it was then that i really couldn't take it... she was really leaving us for good...
i did think about writing down all of my thoughts and make it into a book to remember her... so that in future, i can read through the various entries and remind myself of my beloved grandma, about how i felt, about how much i loved her... i think i will do so...
i was talking to jeremiah as i was waiting for my bus... and suddenly we started talking about losing our loved ones.... it was the first time that i talked about this matter... i have always wanted to talk to someone about it; on how fast she left, how she "drfited away" from us... to let it all out... it was very hard.... my eyes started to fill with tears... so i just ended it quickly... to refrain myself from crying in public... then he reminded me that everyone has a time to leave this place, so we have to be strong and move on... thanks jeremiah the little reminder...
so, i will be strong... it doesn't mean that i will forget about... it will just mean that she will still be a part of me even though she is no longer physically around...
i love you mama.... *hugs*
to both my mum and mama...
today is 1 of those days where we are to express our love to our mums, our grandmas.... i personally feel that we can show that we love them everyday... by just giving them a hug, giving them a kiss on their cheeks, by buying the food they love for them... we don't have to buy all sorts of expensive stuff, mums being mums, they will keep saying, "why spend so much??" or like what mama will say,"mai kai lui..." which means why waste money...
today, i miss her a lot, i haven't cried so much in a while, once again as i watched the video made by uncle ning to remember mama, i suddenly remembered that she wasn't physically with us anymore... i just couldn't hold my tears in.... i remembered the times i spent with her... going to my uncle's house to visit her, sit with her in her room as she watches her favourite dramas... laugh, when she comments on how she hates the "evil" sickening woman who would do anything to stick onto the lead actor she likes.... but i can't do all these with her anymore....
as i saw the video, i just can't help but think, why didn't i come into this world earlier... that way, she might be able to see me graduate, i might be able to take my graduation photo with her... i would dedicate my degree to her... for all the hard work she put in bringing my mum up, as well as bringing me up when i was younger.... i couldn' help but think, if i were bigger, if i were working, maybe i could have brought her overseas, buy her loads of gifts so that she can pamper herself and enjoy a good life... but there is nothing i can do...
usually she will be the one giving, so i am grateful in a way that i did manage to buy her somethings when she was still around....
when i first went overseas to australia without my family during the choir trip, i bought her a pack of ginger sweets... it might be something small and inexpensive, but she liked it....
when i got my first paycheck from my attachment at SATS, i bought her packets of biscuits or what we usually call "piah" - something that mama just loves, she said to me "mai kai lui" again... but she was full of smiles....
mama is really the person i adore, admire, respect, love all at once... in order to communicate with her grandchildren, she started speaking to us in chinese, sometimes even in english.... and yet i did not learn how to speak hokkien... she gives and gives, without thinking about asking for anything in return... and yet she had to go so fast, so sudden...
it was through this very unfortunate event that i realised how little i knew about my mama... when she was in hospital, i noticed that she had a mark on her forehead, something that i did not realise throughout the years, i didn't know the kinds of flowers she liked till the funneral as my uncle told me that she loved bright coloured flowers...
regrets
regrets
regrets....
so many regrets...
no more chances to make amends...
so to all out there, treasure all your loved ones... treat them with love and respect, don't do things or do not not do things when you still can... don't follow my footsteps....
to mama:
i am grateful for all the love you have showered upon me over the years, cooking my favourite kailan with prawns, giving me durian that you know i love, thank you very much, you will always be a part of me no matter what... you have made me a stronger person...
to mummy:
i know it has been very hard on you ever since we found out about her condition... but i am glad that you managed to hang on... she may not be with us physically anymore, but i am sure she is always with us... watcing over us.... so there is no need for us to be so sad all the time.... you know that she loves you and she definitely knows that you love her...
life has to move on... it was hard initially, as i had no mood to study... i would practically start crying once i reach home every night.... thinking why is life was so unfair to me... so i had to catch up with my schoolwork after it... i struggled but i still managed to get by... i still managed to increase my gpa... it might still be much lower than i had initially planned earlier this year... but it is getting there... i will do my best as i am going to dedicate my degree to my 1 and only mama....
bay ambassadors WANTED!! for this years NDP at Marina Bay...
register at www.bank4u.org
for more enquires, email to bayambassadors@gmail.com or you guys can contact me... please help me pass the message around...